I am actually posting stuff I wrote while waiting at the airport, I am now safely in Sydney, although I am really really really (really) tired.
It’s 7:30pm and I am back at the airport listening to Sufjan Stevens, and thinking about why there are Christmas carols playing everywhere. It’s only December 11th, I thought for the sake of sanity and good taste you couldn’t let her rip with the ding-dong merrily until a week before Christ’s birth?
What else have I done since arriving? I did the thing I always do, where I go and sample perfumes but always misfire and instead of hitting the little pieces of sample cardboard I hit my wrist a half dozen times. So now I smell like great-aunt, mixed with a soupcon of fag-hag and some frigid gallerist. It’s a neat combo, I think it’s going to give me a migraine in about 2 seconds.
Before I talk about today though, I should just transcribe this post I wrote in a notebook while we idled on the runway yesterday for two hours. Can you believe that was only yesterday? And this whole crazy quest has really only lasted three days? I’ve aged like a soft cheese here. I am a different person than I was three days ago. I am a person who trusts less, talks to strangers more, and probably could fall into a deep slumber standing at a bus-stop if circumstances demanded.
Okay the context for the transcribed post: There are these crazy catalogues in the seat-backs of United planes. The catalogues are called “Buy/Fly” and basically, they are handy little bibles of stuff someone who had perhaps been forced to spend even more time in an airplane than I have been, might think worth purchasing by mail order. That or it’s a catalogue for retards, it depends if you are feeling generous or not.
To pass the time, I painstakingly I went through the whole thing, picking out the items of interest for the discerning Christmas shopper who is in need of a little inspiration, which I have then edited into a little post for all you ‘discerning’ readers. So okay then, we ready? Good, let’s go shopping:
Remote controlled Spy Car: This little devil can drive under ladies in skirts and take pictures of their panties. It doesn’t say this in the catalogue but what possible other use could it have? $139.95
The Wall-Mounted Fold-Out Mahogany Basketball Game: Use of the word “the” before this item implies that there may be other imitation models out there. DO NOT BE FOOLED THIS IS THE ORIGINAL. And yes, mahogany is very heavy, and yes, normally basketball hoops are made of metal. But that’s what makes this an amazing present, it’s the bleeding edge of high-class hoop-sports, plus it looks like a pool table hanging from the wall. $189.95
Laser-Projected Virtual Keyboard: Yep, project this keyboard on any flat surface it’s back to the future n’shit. Impress your friends by bringing it to class and typing out a message on the hot-chicks back. Why not start by tapping out; “Holy shit am I a nerd.”
$169.99
The Time-Mug: It's a travel mug with a watch embedded in the side. The numbskull who uses this handy device will eventually suffer third-degree burns all down their front because someone will ask them the time just after they’ve filled up with steaming hot French Roast. They will deserve it, that’s what you get when you use a mug as a watch.
$24.99 – original
$34.99 – rhinestone edition
Laser-guided Pool Cue: I guess that’s kinda cheating, except the hard part is not getting the cue to hit the ball, it’s getting the ball in the hole. We’re talking training wheels for a tricycle here, folks.
$29.95
The Portable Inflatable Whirlpool Spa: Because you should never go anywhere without your whirlpool.
$899.99
“Grill Alert” Talking Remote Thermometer: This one is so exciting I am just going to quote directly from the catalogue. “Talking wireless belt-clip monitor announces when your entrée is cooked to perfection from up to 300 feet away.” - Giving new meaning to the old phrase – if you can’t stand the heat then get out of the kitchen. “Remote wireless belt monitor announces when food is almost ready, then ready” then “burned to shit” and eventually, “the house is on fire now too idiot.” Even more ingenious, the “backlit display let’s you cook at night!” Uh-huh, I thought that was fires job? We invented fire a while ago. Then again, you cannot make fire fit onto a belt clip.
$75.00 – includes a pigtail antennae for any random acts of arson you may wish to use “Grill Alert” for, it’s like totally scalable.
The Hot-Dog Grill and Bun Warmer: If you want dial it down a notch because the “Grill Alert” sounds complicated this may well be the gift for you. This stainless steel Toaste maker can also fit fish steaks, chicken breasts and an infants curious little hand so keep it up out of reach when you are not using it to uh, toast hot –dogs, or their friends the buns.
$49.95
The Only Gutter Cleaning Robot: It killed all the other gutter cleaning robots in an orgy of blood, leaf debris and pigeon shit back in ’85. Okay, or, no one else felt compelled to invent a robot that cleans gutters. You decide which one sounds more plausible I am for bloodbath.
$129.95
The Waterproof Picture-taking Binoculars with LCD Screen: For your friend who you think might be stalker. Give them the means to get that freaky, creepy knowing way too much about other peoples daily habits and routines thing out into the open. They’ll feel better being able to share all their inappropriate knowledge, while explaining how to take crystal clear photographs through three-panes of glass, using binoculars. Actually don’t do that, get them a phone number or two and keep the binocs for yourself.
$298.95
Brain the Brain: “This animatronic talking brain incorporates the EB, the dictionary, a history timeline and uses voice recognition to respond to verbal prompts.” Watch out Teddy Ruxpin your furry tuchas has been replaced by a cerebellum that evens asks questions and creates a database of it’s owners likes and dislikes to make the conversation more personal. Hell, it tells jokes and can store/dial phone numbers. That’s about twice as much as a few of my ex’s were capable of. Given time, Brain the Brain will start to nag and irritate it’s owner, leading to a disastrously violent coda, but the years leading up to the end will be delightful, I am sure.
$299.95
And lastly, the gift that eclipses all the previous paltry tokens of affection, a gift that should you give it, will go down in it recipients history and one of the most, if not the most moving gestures of their life:
ALIVE ELVIS:
“Heartbreakingly realistic, “Alive ™ Elvis ™” animatronic robot moves, talks and sings just like “The King” in his “68 Comeback Special. “Alive ™ Elvis ™” is a lifelike and life-size bust of Elvis Presley. Multiple infrared vision sensors, stereo speakers, 10 precision motors with motion-capture facial animations and 21st century materials combine to create an animatronic robot that looks feels, sounds and moves like “The King”. You can touch his soft hair and sideburns, stroke his skin, feel his black leather jacket, look into his clear baby blues, and marvel as his lips form their distinctive “ curl” before he sings in that soulful voice.”
I think A few AI guys left MIT to come work on “Alive ™ Elvis ™”, and no, not for the money – just to be part of something special.
Heartbreaking at least is accurate - a hyper realistic Elvis-bot that sings and has facial tics? God help us all. The real question is, can “Alive ™ Elvis ™” remember and dial phone numbers? Does he know which Scottish Queen was beheaded by Charles the 2nd? Can he clean gutters, or take high res pictures of the lady across the street? I thought not. What a rip.
$299.95
Okay, well that just ate up 2 hrs of wait time and I have to pee like you would not believe. I’ll be in Sydney by Thursday, until then, purgatory in the air.
