November 04, 2004
Just a couple of notes.
Last night after a painfuly awkward conversation about relaxation and my inability to.
I was lying by myself in the semi-darkness thinking/feeling trying to figure out exactly what is going wrong in me.
Like if you shake a clock or tap an engine, looking for the loose peice. There were a couple, most notably the fact that even while lying safe in my bed with my partner in the next room and all. I still had this persistent ache in my chest - that doesn't lay-off, not really.
So then I wondered what stage of grieving am I at? Just like that, like; if there were stages to when I addressed my attraction to women, then there must be stages to how I cope with my mom kicking the bucket.
Worse yet, than I thought, maybe I'll google it, at midnight at fucking midnight to climb out of bed and do a search on the seven stages of grieving or some such crap. Just so I can fall asleep. As if knowing; oh yes, helpless anger and high tension. I must be in stage four, the weepiness is stage three but I guess I am transitioning. Stage five is irrational decisions - watch out for that.
What if I can't quantify this? What if there are no stages to go through? What if I just have to sit here and deal. How much does that scare me.
Continued from main page..
Another thing, I had a friend who's dad died in high school. He got some kind of inheritence. I don't know how much, and spent it all on vacations and starting a hip-hop magazine that folded but not before getting some serious attention, it was like vices predeccesor by about 6 years.
Anyways, when I heard he had spent all his money in a short time I remember saying something like: how irresponsible, I would never do that, how can you burn through money so quickly etc.. all very well-meaning judgemental and naive.
Because now that I am where he was I can see the point. Or not the point, the lack of point, that makes spending money so incredibly neccessary.
It is hard to describe having the point taken away, but the process of getting it back appears to be something along the lines of: drop everything once taken for granted and start again, because frankly everything has been nullified anyways.
Maybe that sounds melodramatic. My friend says she feels like she is invisible when she is sad. I guess I feel like I am not invisible, but permeable, no longer able to seperate myself from what is happening to me.
Anyways, what does that have to do with the point or with money?
I guess I should explain that by point I mean that thing that gets people out of bed and into the shower, as opposed to out of the bed, into the housecoat, and onto the couch, spiked hot-chocolate in hand. I am a firm believer that the human condition is generally miserable, in order to avoid that misery a person needs a reason for living, and hopefully one that isn't inherently deadly, like heroin.
Take my living situation. I have the opportunity to take the flat next door, it's one room larger and has a fully functional and reliable plumbing system in the bathroom (something I have done without for the past 5 years at my place). It's also about one third more than what I am currently paying.
But, it has a living room, and in said living room I could house my new walnut dining set (inheritence) and maybe a couch. All of which could lead to dinner parties, homework, new opportunities to actually be productive in my livings space, instead of staring blankly at the wall listening to the toilet sing. Don't scoff, I've never had a living room before. not that was just mine.
The name alone fills me with hope, a living room. As opposed to what? what happened to my mother I guess. Everytime I dust or buy a new knick knack to sit on a corner and be an irritation, I can say to myself, you are still alive and that's pretty much enough at times, you know.
Of course this means that if I find myself falling on hard times this year, which is more than likely considering my mental state, I might be dipping into my inheritence to pay rent.
And you know what, maybe I just don't care.
Posted by Miriam at November 4, 2004 02:49 PM
Posted to death and dying
"The name alone fills me with hope, a living room. As opposed to what? what happened to my mother I guess."
it was right at that line where I shed a small tear for you.
I think it is amazing that you are travelling around with so much pain and yet can still be such a constantly great person to be around.
you are pretty amazing. And I know you will be okay, but you are right, I think, about not holding on to old priorities. That seems to be the right thing to do to allow yourself to be changed by what you are going through, rather than trying to hold on to who you were.
I don't want to get too support group-e on this blog forum here, but I want to give you a hug right now and tell you you are good.
Also, I think I am hearing a bit of the M. Amos voice creeping into your style maybe? That man's prose is persuasive.
n
yes you are right about the m. amis influence every time I read one of his books I have a tendancy to write like him.
And don't worry too much about the e-therapy aspect of this blog I think that's what it's for.
miriam,
i haven't had the pleasure of reading your blog...but I wanted to tell you that I loved the Arcade Fire CD ou gave me, and I need more like that! Make it happen, it's all up to you now...i'll be checking your blog soon...keep us posted. Rock on, you crazy diamond!!!
peace-out,
jonny-t (a little sauced)
e-therapy, I think I have truly found my niche in life. Thank you Ned for giving me a purpose. Like the universal conciousness I have been pondering lately this money question is right up my alley. What is money for? This question is asked by the world's biggest scrooge. But I have been wondering, is it for providing quality of life or for saving and stressing about. I don't know.
Ruth