January 14, 2005

Listening to Dave Mathews Band and Souljive covering Joyful Girl by Ani Difranco.

It goes like this;

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
i do it just because i want to
because I want to

everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way?
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know that there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
and when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings...

My mothers cousin Corrine died on sunday of a disease called scleromderma.
She was called auntie Corrine by my brother and I, our families were close. We used to go swimming at their pool every summer and I would watch my athletic cousins do swan dives in the deep end and drink lemonade from tall bumpy plastic glass's.

What else is there to say about the family, Uncle Danny had a passion for bicycles, he had a poster in the basement that had many many naked girls sitting on bikes getting ready for a race. I thought it was pornographic. - maybe it was. Now I wish I had a copy of it in my living room, so I guess time can really change a person.

Kenny was a big computer nerd when I was growing up, I think I got interested in Macs watching him play flight of the bumble bees on a midi keyboard attached to a mac classic.

Janice had the coolest everything because she was about 4 years older than me, and I was jealous. When I had an eating disorder she took me to the mall to try and get me to start eating and behaving like a normal teen. It didn't work, but it was a good effort.

When I was growing up my life naturally revolved around my cousins and their activities, we all hung out in the basement or in Janices bedroom with its hang-ten throw rug and the adults did their thing in the main part of the house. I know Corrine had the good sense to raise her children with kind hearts because I remember enjoying myself immensely when we went to visit them.

Auntie Corrine was really sick for the last few years of her life. When she came to my mothers funeral she had to carry an oxygen tank.

I feel like such an ass. Sitting here being sad again, whenever I start crying now, I just end up saying something like dammit and try to stop right away because I am so sick of it all.

My brother is going to the funeral with my other aunt because he is in toronto, in fact he's probably at the funeral right now. I think Auntie Corrine might be buried in the same park as my mother, I don't think there are that many jewish cemetaries in Toronto.

I don't really know what to say. I hate death I wish it would stop.

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