March 22, 2005

Yeah really - now that the treadmill has worn off I am just tired.

I did want to mention that I am reading Larissa Lai's book "when fox is a thousand," and over my bagel this morning I read;

"You will get what you want, but you will be sorry you wanted it."

It was said as a prophecy oddly enough.

An excellent definition of regret to boot.

It made me think of a bunch of things but the hardest one to swallow was that when my mother was killing herself in front of my eyes, I often thought about how much easier it would be for everyone if she just stopped being. What did I know about death? Now that she's gone I could easily take more midnight calls, and her stupid _f*ing high heels even though her hips weren't evenly balanced anymore.

In a larger sense it makes me think of my carefully nurtured north american mores and how I personally don't take much time to think about the outcomes of my desires, be they material or social or personal.

My friend once read a book about how to get rich young, or save lots of money, or be a happy self-employed person, or something... A book that came from an aisle called financial self-help I imagine. But anyways, the first rule in the book was never do anything that will take a significant amount of your time, buy anything, or invest in anything without thinking about it first for a week.

After that week ask yourself again, do I really want to; own that thing, eat in that restaurant, participate in that event, join that small cult-like association, be that persons friend, et infinitum... if the answer is still yes, than do it.

So my new task is to try and give myself a week for decision making. Testing my desires agains the reality of the objective result.

I rode my bike today for the first time in 2005, halle- hella - lujah. I love the springtime.

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