May 4, 2005

I am at blue monday I have laundry next door washing itself. I am multi-tasking, wicked.

Okay I am multi-procrastinating right now, because I should be working on a logo.

I am feeling wicked funny too, but not funny ha, funny oh. Don't know why. could be so many different things. Still worrying that strength weakness thing, like a bad itch, and also a new one about how to not feel lonely when I know lonely is a product of something inside me, and not actually a manifestation of not being loved or not being lovable, it feels stupid to even be writing that.

I should be writing only good news here so people will see my life as I wish them to see it. Talk about how I am working on a flyer for Project 10 an excellent group that provides safe and supportive resources for youth who are exploring their sexuality and gender options.

All I can think about at the moment though, is how hard it is to make reasonable boundaries. That lately I have felt like a burden and like I do nothing but speak to people and not listen and that the speaking is this compulsive act because if i am not talking people will cease to see me or care or something. That by flapping my lips somehow my problems will grow wings and fly away from me. Which isn't true at all, and certainly the problem of lonliness which is bone-deep isn't going to be solved by months of verbal hemmoraghing at the expense of my dear friends patience and my own self regard, and you my readers too, I imagine.

Okay it's 20 minutes later and I am feeling better thank goodness, the sun came out my laundry was atotal rip-off I sang some Lauryn Hill real loud in the park on my way to the bank to pay the highway robber laundramat..

In other words, enough with the hemoraghing already you can't even spell the damn word.

The cool thing about the p-10 flyer is that it is going to challenge my design skills and newly aquired (or aquiring) social-marketing approach because if I remember correctly, kids are fairly sensi about issues like their sexuality etc.. So the first idea that the coordinators gave me was to make the flyers small enough to jam in a pocket very quickly. Also, the current flyer has the words In! Out! in white word bubbles on the front. Graphically its very compelling, however I think if I were a shy 16 year-old walking into the nurses office and trying to fade into the background, I wouldn't go near a flyer with such an obviously sexual connotation.

I feel like I am finally flexing some social marketing muscle, which is making me really happy, putting into practise some of the stuff I learned at school but for real. It's pretty invigorating and I am glad for the opportunity to help Tynan and Sarah and the rest of the folks at P-10.

Re : just cause it is like an itch , the issue of loneliness. I often forget that the only person who can stop my lonely feeling is me. Which sucks sometimes but actually contains the seeds of a really gritty redemption. Lately I have felt like I am growing a spine, and it's not a feeling like a steel pillar is being rammed down my shirt instead its slow and sandy like the development of igneus rock under my skin. Pebbles and gravel of singular experiences (the sun, the park, lauryn hill, ned saying" you are good" today out of nowhere) collecting in the small of my back and hardening every day in tiny stages. I guess sometimes ther are avalanches where I am spineless for a while, and i forget it's only temporary and then I shoot my mouth off.

okay I have to go pay the crooks to dry my clothes "all the way dry"

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