June 20, 2005

The subhead for this entry should be Jewish Guilt from beyond the grave.

I am trying to cheer myself up. To that end I am blogging just before leaving to catch a train to go to the T-dot to buy a monument for my mom.

I don't really want to go. I have all sorts of good reasons, I am really busy, I am trying to save money etc..

Mostly, I just don't want to go to another sweet-smelling death boutique, and pay for something that is going to pin my mom even more firmly into the ground.

I had a dream last night and my mom was getting mad at me for focusing too much on other things in my life and not her. Weirdly enough we were both naked sitting side by side, while having this angry discussion. Weird too that she was actually mad at me, that would never have happened when she was alive. She either never had tha capacity for it, or worried that I would leave her if she got upset.

Not that I don't know what that feels like.

Anyways, she was pretty pissed at me last night, mostly because I don't want to go on this yucky shopping trip.

I am trying to compromise in my head so I can feel sane, and say that in this dream the figure of my mother represents my own sense of guilt and responsability, but frankly I don't believe it much, I just think my mom came back from the dead to give me a serious talking to.

Good for her. I still don't want to go. (picture stubborn daughter sticking tongue out at dead mother)

okay I have a train to catch.

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