October 25, 2005

Had a bad day the other day, dreamt about going to the unveiling and lots of bad things happening, called my dad. He sent the following list in an email this morning.

The title of the email was "some good advice I got from a farmer". That my father gets advice from farmers is no shock to anyone, and it reminds me that on top of our normal immunizations he used to take my brother and I too the local petting zoo to play in the horsebarns. Hoping I suppose, that our proximity to the animals and their excrement would also strengthen our immune systems. The Dutch are firm believers in the restorative/defensive powers of crap. This is also due to the fact that their country is slowly disapearing under a giant pile of the stuff.

All the best advice I ever got was from a farmer -C/O Daddy Flink

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Black humor about cemetaries - is there any other kind

We finally have date for the headstone - phewf! what a relief, (put a giant set of scare quotes around that please) and it occurs to brother and I while discussing the unveiling logistics, that since we were both in the back of a limo for the trip ou the frst time, and since the cemetary is all the way the F_- out in King city, that we have no idea how to get there.

So little brother says;

"Why don't we just meet everyone at the gates and then give them airhorns - we can make it like a game?"

"Oh yeah - totally, we can hide clues around the headstone 'hint: She's not near the sher shemaim lebavitch plots'.."

"We could even have some cleverly placed garden gnomes holding hints!"

"Yeah and a bunch of black balloons leading up to the plot!"

"Streamers!"

"The gnomes are going to have to be up to cemetary standard or else we will get a fine.."

"You're gross."

"You started it."

.... I am trying to get that little farmer to give some good advice for this issue but I can hear him saying;

"I jes' buried all my wives 'round the apple tree out back. Buried my mother in-law by the potting shed tho' couldn't get her far enuff gone."

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