May 10, 2006

This one's for my brothers from another mother.

Shave Everywhere by Philips.

The actual name of the product is the bodygroom. What is it? A razor for your nuts guys. Yeah, you don't have much time left do you? Before your submitting yourself to hotwax treatments and saying stupid shit like: "This tankini makes me look sooooo fat.." Savor your freedom lads, cuz let me tell you, how the other half lives ain't so pretty is it.

I have this obsessive interest in the eradication of my own little man-hairs. . And I have friends who like to explore (nitpick) the vagaries of self-esteem and fashion as it pertains to gender. So I thought I oughtta represent for my boys with the follicles of doom (or the Red Sea I mean it's 6 of one half dozen of the other really.)

You know, I am still waiting to hear back about killhairnow.com maybe I can show the good folks at Source unique lazor this little gem and then bump up my fees....

March 8, 2006

Is your *serious expletive* RRSP window. Which I just missed, which means I will be paying (check this...)

$4600.00 in taxes for 2005.

That's not including the taxes I still owe for 2004, which are late, which will be penalized at 10%, which will be somewhere in the neighbourhood of $2200.00.

I have the business sense of Netscape.

Everyone go out there and use those highways, renew your your passports, ummm get a couple of arts grants cuz guess who's bankrolling you.. uh huh, Daddy Warbucks over here.

I bet you fucking Videotron pays less in taxes than I do. They probably get money back.

My ipod jumped off a bridge two days ago so I actually have to hear the ambient noise in my surroundings now.

At first I was like; "Wow isn't this fun, birds chirping, people cursing in languages other than my own, it's like, I don't know, real life or something..."

Today though, on the shuttle bus from Loyola, there were two uber-nerdy looking dudes sitting behind me and this is what I overheard:

"The paki girl never showed up for her exam you know."
"Which girl?"
"The one in chem and math with us"
"Oh Azrrah"
"Yeah I dunno, in my head I always call her the Paki girl"
"Cuz she's from Pakistan?"
"Yeah, I guess I should say Pakistani right?"
"Yeah I think the other way is kind of racist maybe"
"Yeah, I guess, you can't get away with that in a university. You can say Pakistani-girl but not Paki-girl"
"Uh-huh, it's like you can't call someone a faggot either"
"I mean it makes no difference to me what you say, Paki or Pakistani but in a professional environment, better to be safe. In my head she'll still be the Paki girl."
"Right, like with faggot, I mean, it's not like I have to agree with it, I just have to watch my mouth."
"Yep no calling anyone a faggot, that's for sure."
"It's like swearing eh?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well everyone is swearing all the time now, it's like we've lost all control."
"I swore once in church, my pants got stuck on something and tore and I said' Oh fuck!' and everyone looked over at me."
"I think it's like on the bus or on the metro you gotta watch your mouth that's for sure."

And now you're wondering why I didn't stand my faggot-jew ass up and start calling them weird fuckwit racist shitheads.

Good question, I must be losing my touch.

March 5, 2006

To anyone who received a post called smog smog smog in their reader inbox, and then found it had disapeared or worse yet, read it.

Please be aware that I have been drinking a cheap wine/robutisson cocktail since friday afternoon, and had officially taken leave of my senses when I posted that.

Shout outs to MK, otherwise known as the MIA blogger (who is, at present reciting obscenities in my ear, obscenities that will not be published on this blog.)

Thanks for alerting me to my blog hemmorhage.

Rock out Flink public. I am going to watch the academy awards.

January 21, 2006

World Rock paper Scissors Championships

It's joke, I know it's a joke. God help me it has to be a joke, I might piss myself laughing it's so funny whether or not it's joke.

I would love to end up on a plane with a bunch of contenders on their way to the big game..

{ imaginary radio voice }

"Twelve RPS finalists were arrested for misconduct on board air -america flight 300 to new haven saturday afternoon. Members of the "Knuckles Brute Squad" tried unsuccessfully to 'pants' a 5 year old when the child beat four time world champion Mark "the paperboy" Sterling at a fair fight. "

Which is better? Darts or Rock Paper Scissors as a leisure activity misrepresented as a sport. I am at a total loss.

check out the page on gambits. I had no idea what lack of finesse I display as a casual player of RPS..I didn't even realize there were gambits.. I thought it was chance...

January 11, 2006

You know those days where you look on the internet and find out that a deadline you thought was 31 days away is actually 3 days away..

...and one of your favorite referees makes it clear that your application process is about as random as where pigeons shit lands..

yeah

SO my dog will be continuing the grad school application process..Doesn't she look cute in the hat.

November 16, 2005

Yeah I spent so much time talking about how I was a genius for coming up with this;

Girl as maxed out credit card..

November 7, 2005

Click? Click? Click? Click? Click?

That's what I like about girlbomb. I think we have the same habits, yet she can universalize hers and all I do is make mine into giant leeches of precious time.

I tried to call emploi quebec to see if I am eligable for a certain grant, and you know what? No-one answered the phone!? At 9:30am on a monday morning which is optimal getting an actual response from an Office Worker time. In BT(beaurocrat time) 9:30am is; just purchased coffee from piss yellow basement cafeteria, and is now sitting cheap slack clad arse down on non-ergonomic government issue chair inside cloth cubicle/windowless office where voila! the telephone will ring just as Outlook is chugging to life and I am adding one more packetof suger twin to my decaf.

ps: Once upon a time I owned procrastibation.net, then I gave it to Jeff because I obviously was to much a victim of my own disorder to do anything with the url. Now I am going to give it a category of it's own so that all those "whatever" posts can show their true colours.

October 26, 2005

This morning in the park in the everloving rain she was running around like someone had just handed her a million dollars and a truck full off raw hamburger - I was stumbling around blind with a mug of coffee muttering to myself about deadlines and bad haircuts.

She's 12. That's the dog equivalent of really really old. I am a mere wisp of a 28 year old but I sound like I am about to bite the dust slumped over a copy of retirement living.

Okay I have to go catch another bus... Here's an idea, let's all go to the mountain and have a rain dance or the opposite of a rain dance. Let's have a snow dance or a falling leaf dance or a hail dance, anything but this (insert copious swear marks) rain....

October 20, 2005

So tuesday night I was at Neds watching the new HBO cop show called the Wire. It's by the same guy who did Homicide: Life on the streets, which is bar-none the best American crime drama ever.

Par for the course, the scripting in the Wire is brilliant but filthy dirty. For example, the scene where a detective is yelling at some "moke" on the phone. He holds the receiver to the crotch of his pants and then returns the receiver to his shoulder and says; "Did you hear that? That was my dick in yer ear!"

Ah ha... for those of us without the above-mentioned organ, it is a bitter pill to swallow not being able to use that epiphet any time in the near future.

Luckily Lauren and I won't let any petty concerns with the appropriateness of our anatomical configurations stop us from making liberal use of the phrase all the way home from Neds, while riding public transportation, loudly, and sometimes (in Laurens case) with an Irish accent, naturally followed by her hideous, but oh so endearing cackle...

Cut to the next morning when I go and work at my temp job in a high-rise, the same office where Ned works all the live-long day. He stops by my cubicle and says;

"Good morning"

"G'morn. Hey Lauren and I had such a great time on the bus home from yoru place last night"

"Yeah, why?"

"We spent like, the whole ride home screaming; do y'hear that? THAT"S MY DICK IN YER EAR! - it was hilarious, Dylan was completely embarrassed."

Ned, speaking rather quietly I notice in retrospect, replied; "That doesn't seem so funny to me.."

"Well I guess you had to be there or something.."

Cut again to two days later and we are outside. Ned's having a smoke. I am standing around being cold, stamping my feet.

"You have some serious voice modulation problems you know."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you even realize that you stood in the middle of the office yesterday and screamed 'DO YOU HEAR THAT? THAT"S MY DICK IN YER EAR! ' "

"Really? was I screaming? !"

"Totally screaming."

Cue still more embarrassed un-voice modulated cries of; "Oh G-d are you serious, oh no... Why don't they just fire me??" My stamping to keep warm turns into a writhing dance of shame and I picture all the "real" office workers shaking their heads over the freakishly unblanaced and/or incredibly gauche temp...

Whatever, I am like, in-technicolour all the time...

But here's the ish, do I go do a masters or do I enroll at finishing school?

October 2, 2005

Okay that is way too funny. (Ned especially, think about the actual part of the extended edition DVD where bilbo has a fight with Stalins head on a stick while you read this...). I think it just replaced my post-soviet dog essay as the funniest thing I have read. It's funnier than me, hell it's funnier than my dog.

Thanks Jen you are a rock star.

September 18, 2005

It is clearly a life management issue, when after almost 30 years on the planet, I still wake up some mornings and discover that I used my very last square of TP last night to blow my nose and now there is nothing left in the house to wipe my bum with.

It just pours salt on the wound to realize that when I pulled le derniere roll from under the sink I said to myself, "better go buy some more toilet paper - *this is your last roll*". Of course I never do, I just forget and then go and steal TP from my neighbour, who won't know unless he reads my blog today.

I am going to the library or else I will try to clean the house, the dog hair is winning and I don't have the will to put up a fight.

News: hard drive is dying but 300gb hard-drives are listed at sygmawave for like $116 bucks.

I wish real space cost as little as digital space, I would be living in an airplane hanger for about 50 cents a month.

August 27, 2005

Someone just forwarded me this email.

"Would you like to be a human pony? Would you like to ride a human pony or be ridden as one (two-legged or four legged). I am starting a group where people can pretend to be a pony or treat other people like ponies. If interested, contact me. No sex. For recreational purposes only. Male and Female welcome."

I think it's because my favorite tee-shirts all have various pictures of horses, ponies and unicorns on them, and in one of the pictures the unicorns are ahem, doing it. I hope that's why. I mean, how does one politely decline an invitation to horseplay? What exactly is the protocal?

Maybe I should accept, it's not nice to mock someone elses bag unless you've tried it once yourself, and it's not as if it were an invitation from a group of parachutists who perform unspeakable acts while in free-fall, it's not at all risky. It might give me a back-ache but that's small potatoes compared to being someones friend flicka for an hour or two.

I wonder if they would give me a little saddle and bridle, would I get to eat apples out of peoples hands, would I be groomed? Or maybe it's just really basic, just riding, no getting into the character of a pony per se.

What kind of recreational purpose is to there in being ridden like a pony, if there's no sex involved? It would get boring after like 5 minutes. Maybe its for exercise. Like for instance, rather than joining the gym I would go and be a pony for a half an hour every other day, and take someone relatively heavy up the mountain or something..

This is what I like about being an urbanite. The wealth and variety of possible entertainments. What if I wanted to be caged like a guinea pig and fed giant carrots? Can someone hook me up?

August 10, 2005

wow.

I feel like I have just been dumped by my own intelligence.

I am sitting in the computer lab taking deep breathes and trying not to cry, and remembering physically the time time I ran out of my grade 5 class to hide in the girls washroom to get away from long division.

It took more courage and adrenalin than I have needed for ages, just to stay seated in the test room for a significant amount of time and try my best on all the questions.

And I failed anyways.

I feel like a big door just slammed in my face.

I wish I came from a culture where anything over 10 just became a whole lot. I wish I had been smart enough to drop that goddamn class before my GPA was affected.

Okay the only good thing I can get from this is that I should drop out of business school, get a trustworthy accountant and start thinking about how to make use of what I am good at, instead of trying to force my head to go in a direction it is clearly unwilling to go.

Does anyone wanna buy a calculator? going cheap.

June 30, 2005

I am at blue Monday 'cuz I forgot to inform the good people at Bell that my credit card info had changed so they cut off my internet.

So I am using a free wifi connection to try and finish some work before I blow this burg for a month of fun on the west coast. I have been here for about three hours already, I have two more hours 'til they close.

However, the cafe owner just turned on this red lamp in the window and started playing bollywood music, I am on a sofa lying in the window and I feel like I just went from normal cafe atmosphere to the red light district of webdesign...

I can't wait to find a job that doesn't involve spending five hours cradling my lap-top on my lap worrying about the effects of radiation.

In fact, laptop is a misnomer, better this little fucker should be called a Dell Cancer-Crotch.

May 25, 2005

(read comment 1 in previous post)

What rhymes with Jane?

brain
stain
cane
plane
rain
train
explain
claim (sort of)
blame (in modern poems)
frame (okay maybe not)
flame (but lets do it anyways)
...

songs about Jane;

sweet jane (cowboy junkies or the velvet underground)
jane says (janes addiction)
mary jane ( Bones thugs n' harmony+ xn of other artists)
tarzan and Jane (jane)
song that jane likes (dave mathews band)
little liza jane (alison krause)
I walk like jane mansfield (the 5 6 7 8s)
the ballad of Jane (LA guns - nb: this one I did not download )

according to google, Jane is;

...a global nonprofit that empowers people to make a difference for all living ...
...the ultimate source for information in the world on the subjects of defence, geopolitics, transport and police.
...a national site for girls, their parents and educators dedicated to girls' self-esteem, self-awareness, and involvement in the world.
...the first makeup that is actually good for the skin, is known as The Skincare Makeup. Formulated from pure micronized ..
...your number one guide to breastfeeding information with the largest collection of links to breastfeeding information on ...

Thank g-d your name is jane and not hermoine or camille or something.

Will you comment more now? This will only be here for three more days, than I am taking it down or everyone is going to start using this blog like a mad-lib.